Well, I am feeling somewhat better about things, and trying to be more positive about it all, but at the same time, I'm a reader and researcher, and I learn all the things that could happen. That's scary. I don't know if its unbalanced of me to cry, and to feel so torn up. In a way, I feel like I am alone in this. Of course Matt is sad, but its not the same as me.
My first step was the self prescription to drink boat loads of water to help my low amniotic fluid levels. I had suspected they were low b/c when I lie down I could feel him, his head, his body, and I know what was what. Normally there would be a lot more cushion, not allowing me feel him so much. It feels better already. Another concern was his movement, he's not moved as much as Landen, but over the past 2 day (since I've had more water? allowed him room to move) he's given me some good kicks and rolls. Matt even felt him from the outside.
They say its rare for complete placenta previa to completely unblock the cervix, and that I will most likely have a c-section around 37 weeks. My fantasy of a homebirth, it seems is way out of my reach, and I am heart broken about that. But what is important it my baby is healthy. I wonder how that will work if he is born so early, before he is ready, but its either that or I bleed when my cervix dilates. I worry about a NICU baby, I worry about being away from Landen in the hospital, and of course he will be ok, but no one knows what he needs like I do! We haven't been away from eachother more than an hour. And he was just with his daddy. I have friends who have had NICU baby, and I wonder how they are so strong, and I thank God that's not me, b/c I know I am not strong enough for that. I couldn't do it.
But before all that is complete bed rest which is what they are threating me with now. Someone else will take care of my baby. The job that I love most of all, and makes me smile, will be put on hold, and I won't spend my days playing with him, teaching him, and watching him grow. It's not like I won't see him, but I really treasure every moment.
You see? It's hard for me not to think about every possible outcome, most of which are negative, and worry.
I guess the next step at this point is to eagerly await a phone call on Monday to get a specialty infant imaging scan, and get more info on everything. Then get my appt set up, then go, and then wait for the call about the report. That is one thing about the midwife, is they are sooo darn slow about everything. Why couldn't they have called on Thursday to make the appt, instead of waiting until friday and realizing its a holiday. I am looking forward to the care of my ob/gyn who I know will be efficient, and timely.
Landen needs me....thanks for reading if you made it this far.
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4 comments:
Hon, if you can even consider a home birth, you have more strength than you know. And honestly, the NICU has little to do with strength ... it's all about love, and I know you have so much of that. Though I expect your baby to be perfect. *hugs*
i had a complete previa (bleeding even) with DD1 and it cleared on it's own before delivery. I also had partial previas with 2 and 3 that cleared too.
It's hard having your baby in the nicu or transition nursery but with some tears, you can handle it.
I'm sorry to hear that a homebirth seems to be out of the question but, as you know, your health and the babies is of the utmost importance. But of course I can totally understand why you'd be so upset about and why maybe you feel as though Matt doesn't completely understand. He's a guy, he can't. I am assuming you've been talking with other mothers for support right? Do you remember my friend Sheri from high school? She had placenta previa and they had her prepped for a specific day of delivery and c-section and the previa cleared up on it's own. One day at a time!
Loves!
I can only imagine how you feel, Tash. Even if you do need to have a c-section, although it will be a very different experience than what you were hoping for, it is still an amazing event. I wish you all of the strength in the world over the next several months. Let me know how I can help!
My c-section was due to a short pelvis, so I will always need one in the future as well. I also had partial placenta abruption. I was so relieved to have such a healthy baby, it doesn't matter that I wasn't able to deliver him myself. It took me a long time to actually believe this. At first I felt like a failure, and less of a mother and woman. But all of those negative thoughts have faded and now I just realize how blessed I am to have my little boy!
We will just be missing you at the cape, we leave the 12th. :-(
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